Entry 4: Swansong I

Could this be one last hurrah before the inevitable fall? It does feel like that doesn’t it?

 Ominous.

Is this what they call a premonition of death?

 Very ominous?

Or this is the one last burst of life before death claims its victim?

Way too ominous!

But maybe this could be true, much as I’d hate it if it were indeed so. Is it purely hatred though? Probably, most likely, definitely not. The bells are ringing, and their tolls bring with them omens of death and the call of the ones from the other shore.

Paint me a picture.

It’s like things are getting better, I’m getting better. At least that’s what I think, and while this should undoubtedly be a good thing, great thing even. I cannot help but worry about the threat that lurks in the darkness. Am I just being paranoid? Maybe, but you have to believe me, I feel it staring at me greedily, yearning to rid me of everything I hold dear. It’s getting closer, the threat it poses increases in magnitude as the days go by. I don’t like it; I don’t want it and I’d say I won’t let it win but…

It comes bearing something you really low-key desire eh?

Exactly! I might say that I’m past it, that I’ve managed to suppress, to overcome that desire but… It’s still there, present, in the dark recesses of my heart. I don’t want to be here and, that desire coincides perfectly with what the darkness is sending my way. Tell me, is it bad to desire such a fate? Is it selfish? Should the concerns of those who would be left behind be enough to stop me from wanting what I want? What is so bad about not wanting to exist? Would the world miss someone like me? A person who has no idea about what to do in life, no vision, no aim, no purpose, no meaning. Heck! I’m such a failure that I can’t even get the most basic aspect of humanity right, socialization. Is that even the most basic aspect of humanity? Even if I’m wrong, that just proves my point. One as inept at life as I am, do I deserve to live? So, tell me, is it bad that I just don’t want to be here anymore? Or you’ll say something along the lines of I’m wasting such a precious gift. Sigh. If I could choose, I’d have chosen not to make it, to be the one who died premature, so the premature one could live. He would have been a vastly more worthy recipient of this ‘gift’ than a miserable failure like myself.

And you said you’re getting better heh. If this is better, then it really is a miracle that you still are here.

And you’re still ignoring my complaints! Sigh! What’s the point? Why do I even bother? You are after all, a part of me. So, why am I even expecting you to have the solutions I can’t give myself? All this wallowing in misery and self-pity, peak pathetic behavior. All the more reason why crossing over to the other shore remains such a supremely appealing option. Once you’re there, nothing to worry about, unless you’re a believer in the existence of an afterlife, which I happen to be. Sigh. Then again, it cannot be worse than it already is. Bottom of the barrel? No, definitely not! I’m not delusional enough to believe or even assume that I am the most miserable of beings in this world. Far from that, I actually have it a lot better than a significant portion of this world’s inhabitants. My trauma is nowhere near the worst, my weaknesses, flaws, failings, ailments, all of that nowhere near the worst. I actually do have it good I guess, and I’m letting it all go to waste. So, if I say I want to die, that I deserve to die, because I’m such a waste of what some may call, ‘God’s favor’, am I in the wrong?

Well…

Oh, no need to respond. I know what you’re going to say. You’ll say that yes, I am in the wrong. That I’m wasting something many people yearn for, talents and gifts a lot of people desire but can’t have. Perhaps you’re right, but it matters not, because all I hear is, “more reason why a wastrel like him should die”. But, I have strayed too far from the subject of this entry. Inasmuch as I desire my demise, low-key or high-key, I can’t go out in such a pathetic manner, fading into the background without ever having made some ripples in this lake. No!  I have to leave at least one major mark on this world, do something significant before the seemingly inevitable fall. It’s the only way…

You said you were getting better, that you were getting help. Was that a lie? Because you don’t seem like you’ve gotten better. If anything at all, it’s like you’re getting worse…